Our Love To Admire
by KerryMuggle
Summary: "And I realize here that I am in love..." A story of war, love, and death.
1. Pace Is The Trick

Our Love to Admire

Chapter 1 - Pace Is the Trick

Disclaimer: I don't own nada, except for the books I purchase.

Author's Note: This story was inspired by three songs from Interpol's new album, 'Our Love to Admire,' hence the name of the series and each individual chapter. The album is amazing, but that's just one opinion from a crazed fan. (Book 7 Non-Compliant) I should also make note that I published this story before on this site, but because of password issues, I just figured I'd add it to another account by the same username.

_You can't hold it too tight_

_These matters of security_

This is not how the story was supposed to end. If anything, I should be the one in your position. This particular battle is dying down – Voldemort's forces have retreated. They will be back, and while I don't know or particularly care when, you won't be here to fight them.

Everyone is running around, looking for some signs of life, and here I am, holding you as you draw in what I know will be your last few breaths. Your brown eyes glaze over, but when they reach mine, they stay on me. There is still that sense of wonder in them that I will never forget seeing from your first year.

I want to beg you to stay with me, even if it is for a few more days. I want to tell you that without you, my life is nothing, but we were never ones for such soft indulgences. Our emotions didn't make us weaker, but we knew that those declarations were unnecessary. I feel the blood, your blood, seeping through the shirt you just happened to have on today. The various hexes thrown at you are going to make their final claim – the life of Hermione Granger.

_You don't have to be wound so tight,_

_Smoking on the balcony_

Your wand has been splintered into bits and pieces all around us. I gently pluck out a splinter from your chin, comforted by the fact that no blood leaves its mark. I whisper to you that the wand can be repaired, even though I know it is improbable. It's to the point where I will say anything to serve my own selfish needs.

_There's such sleaze in the park_

There are other bodies around the two of us, but I care not who the fallen are. A Death Eater could be standing behind me, ready to strike, but this moment has left me paralyzed. I have become weakened, all by the likes of you.

_And women, you have no self-control_

I saw you, as a mere first year, come full circle to me seventh year. Even if my first time at your temple was one you never fully could approve of, you would later tell me that your dreams were haunted by me.

Now, dreams that have yet to come to me will be haunted by you.

_The angels remark outside, you are known for insatiable needs_

If anything, when the two of us collided, it was a nothing less than a force of nature. I liked to think that we just took what we needed from each other, but seeing you reach me crest after crest was one of the most beautiful things I could ever experience.

_I don't know a thing._

It's hard to blend the various images I have of you right now. The first one being you, in my arms, clinging to me, but it could be the other way around. My lioness that wasn't afraid to stand up for what she thought was right. The girl who became a woman all in front of my eyes from the first time our lips met to the wanton goddess who let me take her against her bedroom door at headquarters. This woman before me, whose cries of ecstasy will always be the most beautiful music to my ears.

_I've seen love and I follow the speed in the starlight_

_I've seen love and I follow the speed when the stars swept by_

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know anything in regards to love, even though I'm sure we far surpassed that pedestal. I want to tell you those three words right now, but I'm too afraid to. Before I get too lost in those thoughts, the soft, fleshy wound on the back of your head pulls me back into our current predicament.

_Yeah, pace is the trick_

_And to all the destruction in man_

I want to heal you as best I can, but I know that whatever I do will only draw out what we know will eventually come. All of this destruction around us serves as the reminder that we knew exactly what we were getting into before the war was truly started.

_Well I see you as you take your pride, my lioness_

Plus, you were never one to choose leaving this world with a big exit. You told me once that you preferred to work backstage, but my dear, lovely lioness, you were always center stage for me. Always.

_Your defenses seem wise, I cannot press_

_And detentions are demise, my lioness_

_Can't you hurt it some?_

_I think I hurt it_

I tighten my grip onto you, hoping that somehow some shard of my life will seep itself into you. That's the bastard in me coming out – I don't want you to leave.

"Stay with me. Stay with me," I mutter under my breath as I hold onto you, rocking back and forth, hoping you'll acquiesce to my wishes.

I don't care if Potter and the rest of them see their stoic Potions Master on the brink of panic begging you to live. I don't care if a hundred Death Eaters flee the scene. I don't care anymore, and that thought scares me more than Voldemort defeating us all. What's the point of staying behind and winning if you aren't here to reap those joys?

_I've seen love and I follow the speed of the starlight_

_I've seen love and I follow the speed when the stars swept by_

I brush away the bloodied, wavy tendrils that have glued themselves to your face. Still rocking back and forth, but not paying attention anymore to what I'm doing, your eyes still hypnotize me.

You smile all of a sudden, and I wonder what it is you are thinking about. A cut up hand makes its way to my cheek, and I close my eyes as I relish in what may be one of your final caresses.

_And now I select you, slow now I let you_

_See how I stun_

_See how I stun_

I think of the first time we truly took each other. The way your eyes locked onto mine as I slowly entered you over and over and over again has never left my memory. Your legs crept up to caress me, and while I graced one of your legs with my touch, you held onto my flesh as if you would drown if I were to let you go. We wanted to feel each other inch by inch, and I would only give that luxury to you. If I could have, I would have put it in a Pensieve when I had the chance.

_And now I select you, slow now I bet you_

_See how I stun_

_See how I stun_

Your hands left trails of compassion on scars I wished to forget. Your kisses, tattoos, of what others would deem forbidden territory, but we ignored them altogether.

_And to all the destruction in man_

_And to all the corruption in my hand_

As if the memory were sent to me directly by your hand, I remembered the time after a feverish night of love making where I revealed my worst memories. I was shocked that Potter didn't reveal them to you and that Weasley boy, but you listened as I recalled the utter humiliation that transpired. I still don't know why I told you those things. I didn't want your sympathy, nor did I expect you to have a better understanding of me. It scared me to know that I was giving you a part of me and I didn't expect anything in return, and you knew that all along.

_And now I select you, slow now I let you_

_See how I stun_

_See how I stun_

"When I was a child, my parents took me to visit relatives in the States. This was about a year before Hogwarts sent me a letter. My parents were big fans of art, so, naturally, I kind of caught onto the buzz," you told me once as we both lay entwined with one another.

"We visited Maine with all of its lighthouses and gorgeous scenery. We spent a day at the Olson House, where some of their favorite paintings were first created by Andrew Wyeth. I remember standing on the land with my cousin and feeling the wind around me," you continued as I drew circles on your back.

"I never really believed in some concept of an afterlife – heaven or hell. I just always thought that when people died, everything would be over. But, lately, I just keep having these thoughts that when I am to go, I want to walk amongst the grass. I want to feel the wind pushing against me. I want to lie in that grass and just feel everything. I still can't say I believe in a heaven, but if there were one, that space in Cushing, Maine would be mine."

_And now I select you, slow now I bet you_

_See how I stun_

_See how I stun_

_And now I select you, (I've seen love) slow now I let you_

Before my input was allowed, you kissed me, and all thoughts were lost in that instant. I never understood what it was like to truly feel until I knew you.

_See how I stun_

_See how I stun_

_And now I select you, (I've seen love) slow now I bet you_

I'll never forget the question you posed to me, your body undulating on top of me, your soft hair tracing my face, before we came together...

"Would you follow me there?"

_I follow the speed when the stars swept by_

I didn't answer, but all along, you knew what my answer would be.

And now, as I'm brought back to our current situation, I want only to scream my answer. Your breaths are becoming shorter and more desperate. You look at me, as if asking permission to close your eyes and give into sleep.

I can hear your words floating in my mind: _I'm so tired. It'll only be for a few minutes._

Who am I to prolong your suffering?

_You don't hold a candle_

I want to beg you to stay.

_You don't hold a candle_

I want to beg you to stay.

But instead, you raise your head and whisper to me five short, simple words before you breathe in your last breath. Your eyes remain open, but I softly pass my fingers over them – the lids now closed forever. I cover my face with your hair, hoping it will prevent my growls of anguish, not paying any attention to those who have surrounded us.

_You don't hold a candle_


	2. The Scale

Our Love to Admire

Part 2: The Scale

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Author's Note: Thanks again to those of you who are taking the time to read this. Once again, I am going to shamelessly promote Interpol's album, _Our Love to Admire_. This story was partly inspired by the song, and the last 40 seconds are just sheer perfection in my eyes.

2 months earlier

_I have a sequin for an eye_

_Pick a rose and hide my face_

You've been in my scale of vision for quiet some time now. It's come to this state of being for me at 2:41 in the morning. The rain is pelting outside, but another storm has brewed itself. The room you currently share with the Weasley girl in Grimmauld Place has a comforting feel to it, but I suspect that some sort of charm was cast to keep the temperature steady. I've been doing this for a few days now – sneaking into this room to watch you sleep. The charms I have placed on this room and on the two of you would have anyone with an inch of ethics and morality frown upon me. Let's put it this way – Death Eaters could storm in here, and neither of you would be awakened by them.

_This is the bandit's life_

_It comes and goes and mends the breaks_

I've tried to avoid my nightly visitations, but at the same time, I still have cravings of a Death Eater when it comes to the flesh. However, it's not for just anyone.

I don't want you to save me. I know that my time is soon going to come to an end. If I do survive this war, I will give new meaning to the definition of "luck." My "luck" has extended itself for years, and I now feel that this body is holding a clock that will soon stop ticking.

_Under a molten sky, beyond the road, we lie in wait_

_You think they know us now?_

_Wait till the stars come out_

_You see that…_

You sleep on your back I've noticed. Sometimes, your arms move to the sides of your head. I sometimes think that maybe you dream of someone taking you like this. There is a look of contentment on your face that goes against the prudish persona you have been labeled with by others.

Seeing your foot stick out from the covers (that Weasley girl is a bit of a linen hog) makes me smirk; my way of getting to you is now an easier task. I almost want to thank the Weasley girl, but then again, I know I won't.

Lifting up the covers, I see your bare calves and know, without even having to touch them, that they will be softer than soft. My heartbeat quickens a bit knowing that my intent tonight is to take a part of you, without consent, knowing that you will wake up in a few hours and not know a thing. It excites me, but there is also a brief flicker of panic. I don't worry about you waking, and even if you were to, an obliviate would be in order.

Besides, Hermione Granger would never think that her Potions professor would ever do such as thing as what I am about to do. I smirk a bit at the knowledge. I have, after all, never tried or admitted to being a role model. I love the idea that you see me as an honorable person to place on a pedestal, but at the same time I want only to shatter those illusions that twinkle in your dark eyes.

_Well, I made you and now I take you back_

My hands trace up your body, drawing from the power that I have indeed made you the witch that you are. I've pushed you past the brink of know-it-all and to someone who, all annoyances aside, could run the Ministry of Magic tomorrow if needed be. I shouldn't take all of the credit, but you worked harder in my classes just to prove yourself, when others classes didn't need those attentions so much. It was like we were having a war with our wills, and you always refuse to go down without a fight.

You shift a bit, noticing my touch, a slight moan stifled within you. Slowly drawing down your knickers, I rejoice in the knowledge that I am far beyond forbidden territory. I don't hear anything coming from Weasley's side of the bed and that only adds to the urge for me touch you. These covers are a bit suffocating, but the white sheets give me a false sense of security in what I am doing.

I want to see your reaction, but can only go on what sounds I hear escaping your mouth. I slowly glide a finger into your folds, wanting nothing more than to see your face as I slowly pull such a small death from you. I smell the essence building in you and imagine the curve of your neck turning to the side. Your collarbone is more noticeable now as your chest softly heaves at my ministrations.

_It's too late but today I can define the lack_

What my eyes may not be able to see, my free hand, however, can feel. I glide my left hand slowly up your body, taking my time as I trail your breast and collarbone. More soft moans escape from you, as I feel that your neck has indeed turned to the side. My hand stays there, feeling the quickened pulse of your jugular.

You are so tight – so perfect. It is taking every ounce of restraint in me not to just thrust myself into you, but that was never my goal of the evening. Right before I feel you are about to come, I replace my finger with my tongue.

Noticing a difference immediately, I feel your neck arch under my free hand. My fingers crawl up to your perfect, open mouth. It's as if you are dying for a release, sharp breaths beckoning and begging for a mercy only I can provide. I slowly taste you, wanting to savor each forbidden second of this violation. You taste clean, almost untouched. I wonder if I am tainting you somehow, but refuse to believe that this will lead to your ruin. It is only when I feel your tongue tracing itself on my fingers that I know you will truly be the death of me. I was hard before I touched you, but have yet to notice it until now. Knowing that if you don't reach your climax soon, I will be in more trouble than I already am in, I quicken the pace of my tongue. Still feeling yours on my fingers, I trace them back down to your neck and finally place my hand on your breast, feeling it react to my caress.

_I made you and now I take you back_

And then, I bring you there; it is done. Removing myself and placing the covers back over you, I see that a slight sweat has made itself known on your skin. I'm tempted to lick it off of you, foolishly believing it will taste as perfect as you do. Instead, I trace my fingers over your closed, contented lips. My erection, still present, I remind myself that the day will come where you will accept me, all of me.

Before I walk out of the room, I do what I never thought I would want to do. I kiss you, softly, on the lips before I leave. I feel you kiss me back, believing it all to be a dream.

_Son you sleep in clouds of fire_

_That's all and that's right_

I feel as if everything around me is in slow motion as I close the door to your room and walk down the hall to my own. It is as if some reconnaissance mission is complete, but I don't think it is one Dumbledore would ever send me out on.

_My son you sleep in clouds of fire_

_That's all and that's right_

I always relished the feeling of getting away with something that wouldn't be considered proper, but the sheer sound of you coming by tongue, and my tongue alone, brings a smile to my face still.

_I can still feel it when you lie_

The next few days I do not see you around the house. I believe for a few seconds that maybe I crossed the line, but I quickly deflate that idea.

It would take the sixth day for the two of us to see each other again. Molly insisted I stay over for dinner as you and your roommate set up the table.

_Pick a rose just to hide my face_

_Well, if there's something I should know_

We didn't sit next to each other, but I could feel your eyes on me. Trying not to stick out like a sore thumb, you would quickly, but unsuccessfully, divert your eyes elsewhere when I would look at you.

I began to worry that maybe the charms didn't work on you, but I'm not stupid enough to mess up on such simple things. Without much time to worry, I feel the staring contest has gone into another round.

I wonder if you've been waiting to see me again as I have been for you. I trick myself into believing that maybe you know, but rather than be repulsed, you are aching for contact. Not knowing when I'll visit you again, it doesn't take much for me to remember the feel of your skin, the taste of your flower, the music of your orgasm.

_I seek no science when there is no shade_

_Under a molten sky let the days collide_

Catching you, yet again, this time you stare back at me, holding the gaze until someone asks me if I'm finished with my plate. It's as if you know I shall be staying the night. It's as if you are warning me to stay away from you, or asking for my return. I lost the first battle – your eyes unmercifully relishing the victory that you know just how easily you could break me.

I turn my head away from you, for only a moment, but by the time I look at your seat, you are no longer at the dinner table.

Intending on sitting in a quiet room with a book, I pass in front of the stairs to get to my desired location. The creaking of the stairs towards the top catches my attention and I turn to see your ascent. As if sensing me at the bottom, you turn and the staring war continues for a few more moments. The closing of a door breaks our spell.

_Well, I made you and now I take you back_

1:53a.m. - I am in your room again, watching you sleep. I feel as if I am reliving every thought and emotion from a few nights before. I convince myself that you are waiting for me, just as you did the other night. Sleeping on your back again, I want my violation to go up another notch. My hand traces itself up your body as I remove what I can of my robes.

Tonight I will make you mine, even if you do not wish for it. I have, after all, never admitted to being a role model.

_Son you sleep in clouds of fire_

_That's all and that's right_

I hear your breath hitch, eyes open, as you knowingly whisper …

"Professor…"

_My son you sleep in clouds of fire_

_That's all and that's right_

_(guitar solo)_

And like flashes of memory, I see the images of our first union. The arch of your back and neck, the bliss of your fingers tracing my skin, the pure sway your eyes hold over me as I slowly enter you over and over again. It is when I trace your lips with my fingers when I am reminded of what wonders the slip of your tongue can do as it laces my thumb and then I come undone.


	3. The Lighthouse

Our Love To Admire

Chapter 3: The Lighthouse

This is the final chapter of this story, and I thank you all for reading and reviewing it. (I haven't forgotten "How To Disappear Completely," and me being out of school will give me the time to work on it some more.)

I highly recommend listening to the song "The Lighthouse" from Interpol's album _Our Love To Admire_. What I love about this song is that the guitar almost sounds like ocean waves, and the lyrics give me the impression of moving on. I couldn't imagine ending this story with any other song besides this one. I hope you all enjoy it!

_(guitar intro)_

It has been two weeks since your passing. The battles have come and gone, but the war is soon to be finished. Potter came through in the end, and now, as the aurors are doing their final checks among the dead and alive, I am here, close to the spot where you took in your last breath.

_It's the place that's said to break_

_It's just as safe from the outside tonight_

_And I want that…_

Days ago my arms cradled you, but you aren't here to give me that final luxury. Instead, I am surrounded with those who fought to defeat the dark lord with me.

_I face the storm and the tides_

_From the lighthouse_

Potter, battered and bloody, takes in one slow breath after another as he speaks to McGonogall, concern etched on her face. Her eyes are so easy to read. While she never knew the full story of the two of us, she knew that ever since you died, a part of me began not to care anymore. She knew that this would be my final battle. She knew that this would be my suicide mission.

_And I want that…_

_Unleash the storm and the night_

_Oh…_

A few of the Weasley's speak to their fellow fighters/siblings. The debate: should they move my body to the infirmary. I see their lips move, but don't hear a thing they are saying. I don't care. I want them to leave, but my own tongue cannot speak the words. Even in death, I cannot get any peace. I am only awaiting one thing, one person, and she has yet to greet me.

_What do the waves have to say now?_

_What do the waves have to say now?_

There is a motioning between Arthur and Bill Weasley for me to be moved to another location. They believe this field is no place for a hero to die, but I look upon Lupin and plea with my own black eyes for everyone to leave me here.

_Slow down…_

Lupin knows what happened here before. Your blood has long since seeped into the ground. I sometimes wonder if flowers will ever grow on this land again. Remus knows I just about gave up when you died. Lupin stretches his arm out to stop them from casting the charm to move me. _He wants to stay here_. I read the words off of his lips.

_I let the waves have their way now._

_Slow…_

_I let the waves have their day_

I think of your final words whispered to me before you let go: "Meet me in the field."

_And I want that…_

I see the waves of people departing as a figure comes closer and closer to me. No one notices my eyes divert to an invisible grace only meant for my train of vision. It could be a delusion, but I don't care.

_Here I've been living on roofs made of sin_

_Upward and outward_

_Begin…begin_

You slowly approach me, looking nothing like the last time I saw you. There is no blood. There are no wounds. It is you - sheer perfection. I crack what could appear to be a smile to my onlookers as you come closer and closer.

_Here I've been lucid; I'm living within_

_Inwardly urgent, I'm sinking again_

Your right hand brushes against my face, and I feel myself sinking further and further into your oblivion. Your lips are the last thing I feel as I close my eyes for the last time.

_The lighthouse_

The wind pushes the tall grasses of the field you once described to me. I see the house described to me so many times and hear the ocean waves pounding over and over, a constant rhythm that hypnotizes me. Your back is turned to me, but the wind pushes the crimson dress you are wearing. I hate your house, but the colors always did suit you well. And I realize here that I am in love. I touch the grass. I feel the earth beneath my feet. My body, no longer bloody and bruised, bones, moments ago, broken, are now leading me to you. I now understand why you said this is the place you wanted to go.

I step up and grab your right hand. You look at me, entwining your fingers into mine. As the wind blows through the field and the two of us, I see you smiling at me and know that for the first time in a long time I am home.


End file.
